And I accused Spike. There is no sense in being angry at anyone who was trying to solve the case, the best that they could. That is no better than voting for an innocent.
[ xie lian pauses, for a moment - and then just sighs, and runs his hand over his face, just once. ]
...Flat, perhaps this is the area in which we are the most different - if you cultivate as I have. I asked you those questions of existence, of why it matters, because I have my own answers to them.
The reason I exist is ... [ to save the common people, he starts to say.
xie lian stops himself, though, and restarts. that's changed a little, hasn't it? ] ... The reason that I exist is humanity itself.
I am human. Before I was a god, I was a human being. I became a god to help people, as an avenue in hopes that I could use that power to keep them healthy and strong. I want to help them. Even if I am no longer truly 'human' in the way that a normal person is, in the way that this place has made me, I feel for them, like them. I cannot - I have not always been successful, in saving them. I was not today. I have not been before.
...but humanity, and the love that I have for it, imperfect as it can be, is the reason why I live. And it will be the reason why I live, for as long as I remain.
they listen to xie lian's explanation with a genuinely curious expression. there's so much here that they don't understand and part of them almost wishes that it were flat--the real flat--listening to this. and maybe they are, in some corner of their mind.
if only they could get them back out. ]
I see. I... understand. You are different from me, who only has a purpose and an unknown path to accomplish it. I'm aware that it has yet to begin, because I can't move forwards or backwards here, but...with these emotions, it all feels uncertain.
[ ... ]
Flat loves humanity. So do I. But I cannot "feel for them" the way that you do. [ a pause. nanaly comes to their mind, and it's almost like taking a bitter medicine. ] ...I should not. That was Flat's mistake in the first place. Humans are the ones that will kill him.
[ 'humans are the ones that will kill him.' it feels familiar - xie lian hearkens back to a day when he stepped out of the heavens, when the emperor tried to stop him from leaving. there is a natural order to the universe, xian le.
absently, he lifts his hand and brushes it at his own neck, where that black mark is under the bandages. ]
To be a 'true human', you have to lift yourself above them, but... I would argue that you don't have to separate yourself from the human heart in order to exist. It may -
[ ...
the justice. the heart of the world. ]
...it may be a more painful existence. But an existence all the same.
[ there’s a flash of… something, in their eyes as they hear that. like a stray flash of lightning in the dead of the night, their eyes light up in an emotion that xie lian might recognize as shock and anger.
that sort of thinking is illogical. it’s dangerous and rife with bugs and errors. to maintain the human heart would be—!! ]
That’s a recipe for disaster.
[ their voice is hushed, that flash of emotion drowned under water as quickly as it appeared. ]
I understand taking a difficult path because there is none other to take—[ they nod. ]—but why purposely put yourself on a more difficult path when there is a simpler one.
[ it is illogical, isn't it? it is stupid. almost any heavenly body in xie lian's realm would agree.
and yet. the hand at his own throat falls away, and xie lian lifts his head. ]
Because sometimes, simpler is not better. Not for me.
[ a recipe for disaster indeed. a kingdom fallen, crushed into ashes and dust, sickened by plague and destroyed by war. over and over again, xie lian's intentions and actions smashed, the white no face, laughing at him. you'll never protect anyone, xian le.
but he has to try, doesn't he? ]
Whether it's difficult or not doesn't matter. If I have to struggle to the end to save others, then I will take a struggling step forward every day. Every failure is a failure that I chose - and every success is sweeter for it.
Ultimately, I don't exist for myself. I exist for others.
[ it's not the first time xie lian's been told that. some of that fire in his eyes dies down, just a little - but it's never quite gone all the way. inherently passionate, inherently devoted to his cause... maybe a little foolish, but, there's nothing he'd rather be.
he smiles a little bit ruefully, and nods. ] It does.
[ but, he takes the second part into consideration, too. thoughtfully: ] ...While I am glad to hear that - if he is a part of you, then, you are your own part, as well. You can choose to take the influence I may or may not have, or set it to the side as irrelevant to yourself and your goals as you strive forward.
You have your own path, too, you know. The goal may be the same, but how you get there is up to you.
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no subject
What? Why would I blame you?
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And I accused Spike. There is no sense in being angry at anyone who was trying to solve the case, the best that they could. That is no better than voting for an innocent.
no subject
[ they won't argue further. ]
But Spike does seem likely. Not that it matters now.
no subject
[ xie lian pauses, for a moment - and then just sighs, and runs his hand over his face, just once. ]
...Flat, perhaps this is the area in which we are the most different - if you cultivate as I have. I asked you those questions of existence, of why it matters, because I have my own answers to them.
no subject
there's no verbal response from them, but they nod, glancing at xie lian as they wait for his answer. ]
no subject
xie lian stops himself, though, and restarts. that's changed a little, hasn't it? ] ... The reason that I exist is humanity itself.
I am human. Before I was a god, I was a human being. I became a god to help people, as an avenue in hopes that I could use that power to keep them healthy and strong. I want to help them. Even if I am no longer truly 'human' in the way that a normal person is, in the way that this place has made me, I feel for them, like them. I cannot - I have not always been successful, in saving them. I was not today. I have not been before.
...but humanity, and the love that I have for it, imperfect as it can be, is the reason why I live. And it will be the reason why I live, for as long as I remain.
no subject
they listen to xie lian's explanation with a genuinely curious expression. there's so much here that they don't understand and part of them almost wishes that it were flat--the real flat--listening to this. and maybe they are, in some corner of their mind.
if only they could get them back out. ]
I see. I... understand. You are different from me, who only has a purpose and an unknown path to accomplish it. I'm aware that it has yet to begin, because I can't move forwards or backwards here, but...with these emotions, it all feels uncertain.
[ ... ]
Flat loves humanity. So do I. But I cannot "feel for them" the way that you do. [ a pause. nanaly comes to their mind, and it's almost like taking a bitter medicine. ] ...I should not. That was Flat's mistake in the first place. Humans are the ones that will kill him.
no subject
[ 'humans are the ones that will kill him.' it feels familiar - xie lian hearkens back to a day when he stepped out of the heavens, when the emperor tried to stop him from leaving. there is a natural order to the universe, xian le.
absently, he lifts his hand and brushes it at his own neck, where that black mark is under the bandages. ]
To be a 'true human', you have to lift yourself above them, but... I would argue that you don't have to separate yourself from the human heart in order to exist. It may -
[ ...
the justice. the heart of the world. ]
...it may be a more painful existence. But an existence all the same.
no subject
[ there’s a flash of… something, in their eyes as they hear that. like a stray flash of lightning in the dead of the night, their eyes light up in an emotion that xie lian might recognize as shock and anger.
that sort of thinking is illogical. it’s dangerous and rife with bugs and errors. to maintain the human heart would be—!! ]
That’s a recipe for disaster.
[ their voice is hushed, that flash of emotion drowned under water as quickly as it appeared. ]
I understand taking a difficult path because there is none other to take—[ they nod. ]—but why purposely put yourself on a more difficult path when there is a simpler one.
no subject
and yet. the hand at his own throat falls away, and xie lian lifts his head. ]
Because sometimes, simpler is not better. Not for me.
[ a recipe for disaster indeed. a kingdom fallen, crushed into ashes and dust, sickened by plague and destroyed by war. over and over again, xie lian's intentions and actions smashed, the white no face, laughing at him. you'll never protect anyone, xian le.
but he has to try, doesn't he? ]
Whether it's difficult or not doesn't matter. If I have to struggle to the end to save others, then I will take a struggling step forward every day. Every failure is a failure that I chose - and every success is sweeter for it.
Ultimately, I don't exist for myself. I exist for others.
no subject
[ once again, there’s no ill will in their voice. it’s a simple statement, said as neutrally as if he were commenting on the bad weather.
…
their hand twitches, feathers rustling as they continue to muse through those senseless words.
or, at least, they should be senseless. but, perhaps thanks to flat’s remaining emotions, it’s easier to see the other’s point of view.
… ]
You exist for others. I exist because of others. It’s a small distinction at first, but it can cause a big difference in the long run.
[ … ]
You may have influenced Flat more than I originally thought.
no subject
he smiles a little bit ruefully, and nods. ] It does.
[ but, he takes the second part into consideration, too. thoughtfully: ] ...While I am glad to hear that - if he is a part of you, then, you are your own part, as well. You can choose to take the influence I may or may not have, or set it to the side as irrelevant to yourself and your goals as you strive forward.
You have your own path, too, you know. The goal may be the same, but how you get there is up to you.